The identity of the CPC members comes down to oppression. Why I abondened Communism is complex, but this realisation was a contributing reason. When I was a Party member, I felt so proud. The Party was my pride, and I felt enlightened. I had learned all that there was to learn, and I supported the ideology and policies of the CPC. I believed that I would be faithful to the Party unto death, and that nothing could shake my loyalty. The Party was my everything, it was my world, I was practically married to the Party. I was not thinking about racial purity but only about the Party and its rules.
My mind was occupied with keeping to Party discipline. Being a Party member really made me proud. I was better than my fellow Chinese who could not become a Party member, and I looked down upon them because pride was what I was being taught by the Party. I felt that I was higher than my fellow Chinese and I could not see them as my equals. I felt no empathy for them, because I was loyal to the Party. I believed that they should be obedient to the Party and even that it was my duty to keep them to the Party policies. I saw them as rebellious children who needed to be disciplined. While I was a Party member, I was held to higher standards and this confirmed my pride. I stood above other Chinese, and this was clear to me. I saw everyone who criticised the Party as against China, and I knew no nuance.
It did not yet occur to me that the people and the Party are completely separate entities whose fates are not necessarily tied. The CPC tries to tie its fate to the people, but for how long the people will tolerate this remains to be seen. I remember well how I thought that it was normal for the Party to make demands of the people while it was morally wrong for them to make demands back – this is the one-sided relationship that is a reality in China. The people may be indoctrinated that China is democratic and that it is a two-way relationship, but Party members know very well that the Party can demand and the people can only obey – this is what loyalty to the Party is all about.
It was not until that I started thinking more about how I looked upon fellow Chinese that I realised something: they are just human beings like me, and I am not superior to them. I started feeling empathy, and I felt a sense of human guilt for being proud of helping to oppress them. I really felt disgusted with myself. It made be feel bad about what I was doing. I wanted to stop watching every move of my Chinese brothers and sisters and being afraid of them because my essential duty was only to care about the survival of the Party and ignore the people whenever it suited the Party.
I decided eventually it was better for me to study abroad to distance myself more from the CPC and to have more freedom to think. I had been abroad before so I knew that there was a whole different world out there, and I am grateful that I can stay in the West and write on this blog today. Things may not be easy in the West and I still need to be careful, but things are more bearable. My fate being tied to the CPC made me depressed and I could not psychologically cope with the indoctrination anymore.
I saw that what I was hearing was wrong on a factual, moral and human basis. I felt that my humanity was being taken away, I was losing my sanity. I realised that I had been trapped in a criminal organisation, even a dangerous political cult, and I simply wanted to get out. My body is mine, my soul is mine, my mind is mine. That is all I could think. I no longer wanted the CPC to control me nor did I want to help them control others. When an identity comes to oppressing people, it can never be good for racial purity. You do not oppress someone when you are looking out for their best interests. You are oppressing them when you are looking out for just your own interests.
The CPC and the people are at odds. The CPC demands ideological purity, but I feel that racial purity is what the people truly need in order to survive as a race. The people can survive without the CPC, but the CPC cannot survive without oppressing the people and they realise this all too well. I want to stand beside my fellow Chinese and be free to feel empathy for them. I have a guilty conscience for what I did earlier, but I hope to serve them the rest of my life. Racial purity is what matters for the survival of the people, ideological purity matters only for the CPC.
I do not care about the policies anymore, all I can now see are the needs of the people. It broke my heart in the CPC to see the plight of the people, and I want to help them. My identity is not determined by cold CPC policies, but by the warmth of empathy for the people. I can only hope that they will forgive me for having been a Party member, also in the future when there may be no CPC anymore. After all, no government is eternal. No power is strong enough to prevent the death of the CPC.
The iron grip they have on Chinese society will eventually lead to their downfall, but until then they will continue making Chinese suffer. Liberal democracy will not last forever, nor will the Marxist-Leninist one-party system. The collapse of the CPC is ultimately inevitable and I will refuse to make suggestions for how the CPC can survive, because the quicker it dies, they sooner we may get to working on racial purity again without being distracted by threatening calls for ideological purity.
It may take a while until we get there,but we should get there as soon as possible and the CPC is not going to get there so it is not worth our resources and time. When we make suggestions for the survival of the CPC, we are only working against racial purity. We need to start thinking about making suggestions for the proper practice of racial purity. Communism is a huge waste of resources and time. It also is a system where human empathy is lacking, and this is so extremely unlike Confucianism. Empathy is the basis of civilisation, and Communism is clearly a step backwards for China. It does not fit into the Confucian history of China and it is actually opposed to it.
The New China is a China of merciless oppression, the Old China was the China of Confucian empathy. Although not everything may have been ideal in the past, at least they saw human empathy as ideal. They saw being human as virtuous, and they were not struggling with humanity. I do not want to struggle with the Chinese people, but I want to help them and preserve their purity. I confess that I did wrong by working for the Party, but I am determined never to stray from the path of empathy again.
Joining the Party was not entirely my choice because I was selected, but I did make a great effort to increase my chances. I was cucking for the Party, I did everything to get their attention and I got it. However, that is all in the past now and I can only hope my fellow Chinese and all the future generations can forgive me. I have done wrong against humanity, but I will try to make up for it by dedicating my life to the people.
I will never ignore their racial purity. I will give my all to the people and their purity and I will listen to their needs and I will never see myself as above them. I am one of the Chinese people, and I am not superior to my own people. I want to see the Chinese people being ruled with the greatest empathy, and I wish this for all peoples. That way the world can be improved, and we can end psychopathic leftism.